


Shadows Divide Our Worlds With Loss

by rosierey



Category: Mission: Impossible (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Benji's family are fuckin gold, Christmas, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff and Smut, Hugs, Hunt Family - Freeform, M/M, Minor Injuries, a whole bunch of pain before we get any relief, im a monster, lots of complicated emotions, lots of hugs, luther is a fucking saint, sorry in advance, very little to no knowledge of medical procedure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-05
Updated: 2018-11-27
Packaged: 2019-08-08 20:22:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16436153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosierey/pseuds/rosierey
Summary: "How can I help you?" She asked and for a moment Benji couldn't speak because how could she? No one could."I... I'm Benjamin Dunn," he cleared his throat. "I was told to come here, to identify a body."----------------------------------------------------------------A death leaves Benji lost and alone but he's not quite alone as he thought...





	1. Handle With Care

Benji sat in his car and watch the rain outside the window. It blurred his view of the concrete buildings around him, flowing down the windshield in rivers. He gripped the steering wheel, feeling the leather twist under his palm. Watching each river travel and merge, he wondered if he could cry enough to join them and be free. With a deep shaking breath he tried to expel the tightness in his chest but it did nothing and he knew there was no delaying it any further.

Heavy legs carried him to the entrance, indifferent to the rain soaking through his coat. Inside he wiped off his glasses before going to the front desk. The woman sat there was plump and kind looking but haggard- her hair bun falling in strands like she'd been on shift for much too long. Benji waited until she was off the phone, reading the pamphlets about flu season on the counter. He hadn't got his jab yet, he remembered.

"How can I help you?" She asked and for a moment Benji couldn't speak because how could she? No one could.

"I... I'm Benjamin Dunn," he cleared his throat. "I was told to come here, to identify a body." The woman's face fell but she quickly recovered and put on a sympathetic look, "oh yes, Doctor Wesley said you'd be coming by. Just wait a moment, I'll call him."

Benji nodded, forcing a polite 'thank you', and stepped back. His eyes wondered over the bland pale walls and the steel bench. In the films places like this were always dimly lit and spooky but in real life the stripe lights overhead hurt his sore eyes. But it was cold, like he'd expected. 

"Mr. Dunn," a voice asked gently. He turned and a doctor in a lab coat and scrubs smiled, offering his hand. "I'm Doctor Wesley, thank you for coming down. You were listed as the emergency contact."

"Yes, of course," Benji murmured blandly, feeling oddly out of his body. As if he was watching everything happen from the bench to his left; as spectator in his own nightmare.

"We just need official confirmation so the paperwork can get done and we can release the body. If you'll come this way," Dr Wesley said. He had this utterly calm demeanor and it reminded Benji of a yoga instructor. 

They walked down the long corridor, feet echoing ominously. The Doctor led him through a pair of metal double doors and Benji's heart finally started to catch up with the rest of him and began to pound. There was a viewing window in the wall, and a speaker beside it. Through the glass was another room, filled with metal table and a back wall made of metal doors like the worst kind of advent calendar. Benji stared at each square door in it, wondering who laid behind there. 

Another scrub wearing man walked into the room and dragged one of the metal tables in front of the glass. Dr Wesley glanced at Benji but all Benji could look at was the white sheet draped over the body in front of him. He felt the cold rain water trickle down the back of his neck.

"If you need more tim-"

"No. No, show me," Benji said. In his pockets his hands were balled up, nails biting the skin. Dr Wesley reached for the speaker, pressing the little button.

"Go ahead," he said. The man inside nodded and reached over, pulling back the material. 

Benji heard himself gasp and he reached up to cover his mouth with a shaking hand. 

Ethan looked asleep. Like he'd drifted off on the sofa again, watching some terrible Netflix show. His hair was brushed back from his face like Ethan had been running his fingers through it. Benji thought of him sat at his desk, pouring over some mission report and pulling it back over and over in exasperation. Benji realised he would never see that again, never feel that warmth in his chest when Ethan would look up and catch Benji watching and smile. But what hurt most was his skin. Pale and sickly and utterly unfamiliar. Ethan was always tanned and warm, like he was born from sunlight. He glowed to Benji, lit up every room he walked into. It made bile rise to his throat to see Ethan so drained, that's how the world felt now; drained of colour.

"It's him. It's Ethan," he managed, voice cracking. Dr Wesley nodded and scrawled something on his clipboard. "What happened?"

"Where you not tol- I'm sorry it was a car accident. Internally bleeding. The medical team couldn't get to-"

"Tha- Alright, thank you," Benji whispered, sick churning in his stomach. 'Car accident'. He should've know- that was the Imf's protocol on an agent passing away.

"Take your time. When you're ready, Ashley at the desk will sort out the release forms," he said to Benji quietly, touching his shoulder. Benji nodded and gave a broken smile as the doctor walked away. The man inside was gone too Benji realised, and he was alone with Ethan. Without Ethan.

He leaned forward, pressing his forehead to the glass and gazing that blue veins on Ethan's skin. He took another gasping breath and felt the tears on his eyelashes escape and fall. 

"What did you do?" Benji croaked, "What did you DO, Ethan?"

He waited for a response desperately, waiting for Ethan to sit up and laugh or smile in that way that made Benji weak. But he slept on and Benji sobbed quietly. The phone in his pocket buzzed and Benji stood back, groaning in embarrassment, wiping furiously at his wet cheeks and leaking nose with both hands. He knew who it was but he didn't want to answer. 

For another minute he stood at the window and traced Ethan's face with his eyes. He etched each feature into his mind; his crooked nose, his part lips, his eyelashes and cheekbones. He felt his memories change; the colour seeping from each one into the same pale shade of Ethan's skin. He closed his eyes, drew another breath, and walked away. 

-

"Mr. Dunn?"

Benji looked up. 

"Sorry?" He said, realising he had zoned out a minute ago.

"I asked if you wanted a digital copy too," the nurse- Ashley- said. Her eyes were utterly sympathetic and he knew she could tell he had cried. He looked down at the paperwork again, his pen still hovering over the signature box. He sniffed and signed sloppily.

"Yes that'd be good, thank you," he answered quietly, pushing the forms back across the counter. Ashley took them and typed at the keyboard for a moment.

She pressed enter and swiveled back to him, "okay, that's all done, sir, if you have any questions call the number on the bottom of the form."

Benji nodded and whispered thank you, folding up his forms and tucking them in his pocket. He felt hollow. Passing each stranger, each patient, each doctor and feeling nothing- like he was a ghost among them. It was still raining outside, a sad endless pouring. He made it to the car just before he completely shattered. In the driver's seat he sobbed, letting his tears mingle with the rain on his cheeks. He leaned his head on the steering wheel and cried until he was breathless. The rain kept coming and suddenly he hated it. 

"Stop," he sobbed, squeezing his eyes shut. Then he yelled, "stop!" He slapped the wheel, palm burning, and then hit it again and again yelling for it all to stop. He just needed it to stop just for a moment, let him catch his breath. But the world kept moving and the rain kept pouring. 

He drove home on muscle memory, thoughts cloudy with chaotic emotion. The phone buzzed in his pocket again and he took it out, throwing it onto the passenger seat. He left it in the car when he got out, for the first time in his life desperate to disconnect from it for a little while. 

The flat was dark, just as he'd left it when he got the call; frozen in time. He reached for the light switched but paused and walked away. It was safer in the shadows. He couldn't find the energy to take off his damp clothes. Instead he turned on the television to some innocuous show and dragged the bottle of whiskey from the shelf. He fell onto the sofa, clutching the bottle by the neck, and staring at the moving pictures. 

He unscrewed the lid and took a swig, wincing at the bitter taste. It had been a birthday present from his father years ago, sent from England from his favourite brewery. The fact Benji didn't like whiskey and never had, spoke to their distant relationship. But it was the only booze in the house right now and Benji wanted to drown. 

In the dim light he numbly watched the screen and drank until he head felt light and his tongue heavy. He sloppily placed the glass on the coffee table and slouched back, sighing. his eyelids began to droop and he drifted off, thinking of England at its rain. 

-

Stepping off the plane Benji shivered, the wind catching and turning up his collar. He descended the steps with the other passengers, into the airport and through security. Surrounded by the hum of strangely alien British accents, he felt for the first time in weeks some of the weight lifting off of his shoulders. 

Once he collected his suitcase he walked through customs, delaying his arrival as much as possible in the duty-free. He was nervous and needed to take a minute before really stepping back into the home he left years ago. On the shelf he spotted something, a familiar black glass bottle. His heart was a shattered mess but he felt the shards of it break further into dust. Swallowing his tears he took it to the counter and bought the cologne, tucking it into his carry on. It was a smell he had cried over when he caught it on his bed sheet. One he never wanted to forget. It was Ethan.

He heard her before he saw her. 

"You're so skinny!" Millicent called from the entry way. Her hair was red now and reached her shoulders. She waved, grinning madly. Benji felt his legs turn to jelly and he went to her, throwing his arms around her. For a moment she laughed then she felt his sob and pulled back to see the tears in his eyes.

"Oh, Ben," she murmured, hugging him tightly as he cried. "I'm sorry." He closed his eyes and tried to gathered himself, he knew Millicent would wait for him. When he stepped back she kept a grip on him, holding his hand.

"Your hair looks nice," he croaked sniffling.

Millicent smiled, "so does yours. You grew it out. And you have glasses now." 

"Yeah... I missed you, Millie, I'm s-"

"Oh no, don't start the grovelling now, wait until you see mum. She's been fretting for the past two days," Millicent hooked her arm through Benji's and led him. She always did that, took the lead when Benji couldn't. Even when he came out as gay to his parents she did most of the talking and explaining for him. 

He owed her more than he could give. 

"Is she mad?"

"No. Well, she's a little mad you didn't tell her about your secret boyfriend until after he-" she caught herself and quickly cleared her throat. "And obviously she's is being a pain about Christmas dinner as usual. But she's just... worried, Ben. You call for the first time in months and it's in tears. It scared us."

"I know, I know," Benji sighed. "It was selfish."

"No, it wasn't, it was just a surprise," Millicent insisted, squeezing his arm. "She's excited too, to see you. Have you stay for Christmas. You can endure the family dinner and awful gifts with me for once."

Benji laughed weakly. 

-

The house smelled like baking when they walked through the door. It looked the same too, nothing out of place and everything in order. Of course Millicent took no care, kicking off her shoes and strolling toward the kitchen at the back of the house. 

"Mum! We're back!"

Benji carefully took his off and placed them neatly beside the row of others. 

He could hear them talking as he went to join them, overcome with a sense of deja vu- coming to dinner as a child, a smell of something delicious guiding him. In the doorway he watched his sister and mother argue.

"They've just-" his mother slapped Millicent's hand away from the tray of gingerbread men, "-come out of the oven, not touching!"

"You're no fun," Millicent grumbled, then she looked past her at Benji. "Look who it is, mum."

She turned to Benji and her face lit up, each new wrinkle creasing in delight. Her silvery blonde hair was swept up in a bun and an apron printed with ducks was wrapped around her little frame. 

"Hi, mum," Benji said weakly.

She opened her arms, "come here, baby."

He sank into her embrace like the small boy he suddenly felt he was again. But she was even smaller now and he had to hunch to hold her properly. Still Maggie Lynn-Dunn wasn't one to have height or age stop her from doing anything and she help Benji tightly.

"It's so good to see you," she said.

"It's good to see you too, mum," he whispered. He looked up at Millicent who was watching tearfully, mouth crammed with a ginger biscuit. 

-

He stood in his old room, looking around at the memories. Maggie had fed them until they couldn't eat another bit, overcompensating hugely for lost time. Benji indulged her, feeling guilty for not having visited soon (but let himself indulge too, enjoying being taken care of again). They fell into old habits; Millicent being loud and funny, Maggie telling her off, Benji watching in amusement. 

Now he was alone among his old books and trophies. He changed into his pajamas (jogging bottoms and an old jumper that had been Ethan's). He carefully picked out the box from his carry on, opening it and taking out the cologne. Yes, it was the exact same, he was sure. He sat on the edge of his bed, turning the bottle over in his palm. 

There was a knock and Maggie's head appear around the frame.

"I just wanted to bring you a hot chocolate," she said, voice hushed. The house was huge and Benji doubted Millicent could hear them but it was sweet so he didn't mention it.

He sighed, fondly, "you didn't have to. I'm stuffed as it is, mum."

She tutted and came into the room, putting the cup on the bedside. "Of course I did. I take good care of my boy."

"I'm fourty two, mum."

"You'll always be that little boy in my eyes," she said softly. She stood in front of him, eyes falling the bottle in his hand. "What's this?"

"It's nothing,"

"Was it... his? Ethan's?"

Hearing her say his name felt surreal, like two world's colliding. He nodded. 

"I'm sorry I didn't get to meet him."

"Oh, mum, c'mon," Benji groaned, voice shaking.

"That's not what I meant, sweetie! That's not what I meant," she said firmly. "I only mean- to have seen you so happy, would've made me happy... Where you? Happy?" He looked up at her, vision blurred with tears.

"I was."

"Good. True love hurts, Benjamin but it's a privilege to have it even once in a life time," she took his hands between hers, squeezing them around the warm glass. "So cherish it and don't try and numb yourself to the pain. It will feel beautiful again but you have to feel, okay?"

Benji nodded, tears flowing freely. Maggie sniffed tearfully and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, pressing his head into her chest. She held him until his sobs turned to hiccups.

"So do you have a picture?" She asked, her voice wobbling. Benji nodded and took out his phone as she sat down next to him. He found his favourite picture; it was Ethan half asleep in their bed, hair askew. There was a mischievous smile on his face, eyes gazing at the camera beside him. He was wrapped up in the duvet hiding his naked form, one arm exposed and tucked behind his head. 

Benji woke up every morning and would look over, expecting to see him like that. But the other side of the mattress was empty and cold every time. It was half the reason he left. Ethan haunted him.

"Well I wouldn't kick him out of bed," Maggie said, taking the phone.

"Mum!" Benji laughed, wiping his eyes. 

"He's very handsome, and what a nice smile."

"Yeah," Benji whispered. She gave back the phone, and stroked his cheek. 

"Get some rest. No hurry to get up tomorrow. Millicent has her training session and I have a Skype-meeting with the Beijing office," she kissed his forehead and went to the door. "Goodnight, Benji."

"Night, mum."

She closed the door gently. Benji sat for a minute then got under the covers, placing the cologne of the beside. He looked at the glass until he fell asleep.

-

The funeral was three days into his stay in England. He had known from the moment he saw the body he couldn't go. It felt like saying goodbye too soon, he wasn't ready yet. So he'd left for England, with Luther in charge of making the arrangements. On the day Millicent woke him early and dragged him out of bed. They tip-toed from the house so as not to wake Maggie.

"What's this about, Millie?" Benji asked grumpily. He just wanted to be wrapped up in bed, hidden from the world. 

"We're going to Jackson Peak," she said, smiling. "Get in the car."

They drove with the radio on, some early morning show on 6music because Millicent knew Benji wouldn't want to make small talk. He watched the scenery flash by, turning more rural and green. He thought of what his mother said and wondered if Ethan would have said yes if Benji had asked him to come to England and meet them. Benji smiled at the thought of showing Ethan his old school and the park he'd hang out in. Showing him Jackson Peak. 

Millicent parked the car at the bottom of the hill, in a dirt car park. He was overcome with a sense of deja vu again as they climbed over the turnstile and trudged up the hill. 

The morning was still chilly, the fresh air burning Benji's throat as they climbed. He watched Millicent in front of him walking with determination, her red ponytail swinging with each step. It took just ten minutes to get there, more than when they were children who would run and laugh all the way. At top Millicent walked right to the edge of the cliff, stopping with her hands on her hips. Benji joined her. 

It was almost the same as when they were young. The wide open ocean stretching on for miles, to the hazy horizon. The stony beach below looked grey. Benji peered down at the slopping cliff, rocky and red. It was beautiful, like nothing had changed and yet everything had changed. Benji felt at a lose. 

"What time does it start?" Millicent asked, eyes on the ocean.

"9 a.m." Benji answered. He hugged his coat closer, the sea breeze rattling his bones. She nodded.

"Y'know when Lilia died-"

"Millie you don't have to do this," Benji said quietly. Lilia had passed almost six years ago but he knew Millicent still missed her wife.

"-Ben please. When Lilia died I... didn't know what to do with myself. Everything felt shit but it felt like nothing too. I couldn't feel," Millicent sighed and watched seagulls bob overhead. "I just want you to know I understand, mum does too. And I know it gets better. You just have to wait."

"I don't want to wait," Benji breathed. "I want to feel better now, Millie. I want to see how beautiful this view is again without wanting to cry because, because he isn't seeing it with me. I don't want to wait."

Millicent wiped away a silent tear and stepped closer, leaning her head on his shoulder and wrapping an arm around his waist. Benji thought he'd have run out of tears by now but they were there, running down his raw cheeks. 

"I'll wait with you," Millicent whispered and Benji closed his eyes. 

When they got home Benji went straight to bed and stayed there for the rest of the day. Some time, as the sky turned deep blue, Maggie came to his room and bought him tea and a sandwich. She didn't say a work but kissed him on the temple. 

-

He woke disorientated, a head full of half remembered dreaming and fluff. It took a minute to realise his phone was buzzing somewhere on the bed. The world had fallen into night time while he slept, and in the dark room it made it hard to find the ringing device under the covers. When he found it and turned the screen over he saw Luther's name lit up. He took a deep breath and when the thing didn't relent in its ringing, he answered.

"Hi, Luther."

"Hey ma- Where you asleep? Sorry, man."

Benji sat up, rubbing the crust from his eyes, "no it's okay."

"I just wanted... The funeral was today and I wanted to see how you were doin'," his voice quaked like he'd been crying and Benji couldn't bare the thought. He close his eyes, one dark submitting to another. 

"I'm alright, I'm... yeah, I'm alright. I'm sorry I wasn't there, I hope everyone is okay." He realised he could hear music playing softly from downstairs- Millicent had put her old Christmas CD on. 

"We're okay, Benji. Ilsa wants to see you when you get back."

"I'll call her," Benji swallowed. "Later."

"She's just worried about you," Luther explained. "We all are."

"I know, I know. Did it- was it all okay today?" 

"It went fine. His Uncle made a speech, Brandt was bawlin' by the end of it."

Benji chuckled halfheartedly, "I wish I'd see it."

"It was pretty gross. Lotsa snot."

He laughed again, glad to feel a little lighter. Luther always made him smile with his deadpan delivery. They lapsed into silence for a moment as Benji sobered to the idea that Ethan was really gone. Buried under the earth. It had really happened. 

"When I get back will you, um, come with me? When I go to see him," Benji asked quietly. 

"Of course."

"Thank you, Luther. For everything." 

"You're family, Benji. 'S what we're here for."

He felt his words stick in his throat and breathed deeply again, "I'd better go." He managed.

"Okay, man. Let me know when you're comin' home."

"I will. Bye," he croaked and hung up before Luther could reply or hear his half contained sob. He held his breath for a moment, struggling through the need to cry again. He didn't want to but when Luther said 'home' he had meant America, the Imf, their team of friends. Home to Benji was Ethan's smile, it was Ethan hugging him as they slept and holding his hand as they walked to work. What was he supposed to do when that home was six feet underground?

Once the tears cleared from his eyes, he got out of bed and followed the music downstairs. In the living room, Millicent sat on the carpet surrounded by three cardboard boxes the contents of which spilled across the floor. Tinsel and baubles were scattered about her outstretched legs, and in her lap was a tangled string of Christmas lights. She was so focused on wrestling with it she didn't notice Benji come in.

"Who's winning?" Benji asked from the door. 

"Oh fuck!" she cursed, glaring at him. "Jesus, you made me jump! It's, uh, it's 50/50 at the moment."

"Are you sure about that?" 

Millicent huffed and waved the bundle at him, "are you going to sass me or help?" Benji sat down across from her and the lights from her, untangling them slowly. Millicent rooted through the box on her left and pulled out a plastic tub of nativity models. 

"How're you feeling?" she asked as he took each model out and dusted them down.

"I wish people would stop asking that," Benji sighed then cringed inwardly at Millicent's slightly hurt expression. "Sorry, I'm just- I don't feel like talking about it... I just want to untangle these lights and decorate the tree and- wait where's the tree?" 

He realised the spot by the window was empty of the six foot pine they had every year.

"Oh, mum forgot to go to the market, and forgot to tell me before I spent an hour trying to get this shit out of the loft," Millicent rolled her eyes. "I thought you and me could go tomorrow, if you're up for it."

Benji nodded, "sure." 

They sat sorting through decorations for a good two hours; untangling this and cleaning up that. They laughed over the tiny box of homemade decorations they'd made as children; poorly formed trees, and a bulbous Santa that would surely bend the branch of a tree it was so fat. Maggie came through with some food and joined them, sitting on the sofa and watching their antics. 

Benji would catch the sadness of her smile every so often and suddenly knew what she was thinking of- the ghosts missing from the scene, those who should be there. His father should be in the chair by the fireplace, a glass in on hand and a book in the other. Lilia on the sofa next to Maggie laughing with her about something. Ethan. Ethan next to Benji, shoulders pressed together as Ethan trying to untangle the lights for him. They would share a smile as he finally straightened out the mess, and Benji would press a shy kiss to his cheek. He felt the ghost of it on his lips and quickly pushed the thought away.

-

The market was freezing and too bloody crowded. Benji spent more time shouldering past people than actually looking at the stalls around them. He wore woolen gloves but still felt the chill nipping at his fingertips. Millicent was wrapped up in a huge coat and scarf and was more a shapeless blob with red hair on top than a person. Her arm was looped through his as she guided them toward the Christmas trees at the end of the row. 

"I want to get one of those stupid twenty foot ones," she said, muffled by her scarf.

"It wouldn't get through the door, Millie," Benji laughed. "Mum would have a fit."

"I guess you're right."

She made them stop at a bauble stall, peering at the shiny ornaments with the glee of a Magpie in her eyes. Benji waited patiently until his gaze was caught by the the display of vehicles on one of the shelves. He stepped over and carefully picked out the little motorbike, blue and shiny, with sparkly wheels. He could hear Ethan's voice in the back of his head groaning and begging him not to buy something so ugly just because it looks like his bike. So of course he had to. 

Millicent eyed him curiously as he took it to the man at the counter. As he tucked it into his trouser pocket she asked, "I know I have terrible taste but that thing is gaudy as hell."

"Ethan would agree with you."

Her gaze softened and she smiled, tucking her arm back into his and squeezing him close.

At the tree stall, Millicent took the lead; guiding them through the rows. They moved down the aisle to the six footers, and she broke away appraised each one carefully (tree picking had always been serious business to their father and she kept up the tradition). He let her get on with it, perusing the other trees. He ran his hand against the branches, watching some of the needles fall to the ground or catch on the wool of his glove.

"Hey, Benji! What about this one?" Millicent called, shaking the offending tree. Benji turned and gave her a thumbs up, though he didn't really care- she always picked a good one. She grinned and he heard her call over the salesman and start to bartering. 

The trees got taller the further down the line he walked, teetering over him. He could hear other families talking among the rows, discussing which one to get with their children and it made him smile. Then he saw him. 

Between two trees Benji caught the sight of two familiar warm eyes and frozen. Ethan: that was Ethan. His heart began to race and he ran to the end of the row, skidding around the corner to the next aisle. It was impossible but it had been him, he was sure. But there was only a group of people stood next to a ten foot pine. His hands were shaking as he looked around.

"Ethan?" he whispered, out of breath. At the end of the row he saw a familiar pair of shoulders, soft brown hair grown to his shoulders, walking away. Benji ran. 

He burst onto the crowded streets, running into people who grumbled indignantly but he couldn't care. He was sure of what he'd seen. But as he spun in the crowd, the sea of people moving around him, he knew he was gone. He hear himself say his name again, desperately.

"Benji?" 

Millicent touched his arm cautiously. He looked at her, panting, heart reading to burst. 

"I saw him."

"What?"

"Ethan was here I, I saw him just now he was..." Millicent's face morphed into broken pity and Benji realised what he must sound like. "No, no I swear, I'm not- this isn't-" 

"Ben..." she whispered, taking a more firm grip of his arm.

"No, don't, don't do that," he pleaded, feeling the tears on his eyelashes. "No, no." He burst into tears and Millicent dragged him into her arms, holding him up as he sobbed. With desperation he clung to her, crying into her shoulder. The soothing hand at the nap of his neck reminded him of Ethan, everything reminded him of Ethan and all it did was make him cry more as Millicent whispered 'I'm sorry' over and over.


	2. Never Go Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benji goes back to America...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so as you can see this will now be THREE chapters, cos the final bit is being a bit of a challenge! 
> 
> writers block is an asshole right? life is also determined to get in the way...

The next day Benji had a cricked neck and Millicent was merciless in her teasing. It was probably her way of revenge for him leaving so soon. He'd booked an (hugely expensive) ticket for Boxing day. He wasn't in such a hurry to leave, he simply needed to prove he wasn't running away anymore. 

They drove him to the airport.

The whole drive there Maggie was white-knuckle gripping the wheel. She was woman who tended not to speak out with her angry, she'd just bottle it up. It was trait they all shared so the journey was... tense. Benji sat in the back and silently said goodbye to all the places he loved and hate in a myriad of complex ways. Next to him his packet suitcase rocked and Benji reached out, resting an elbow on it to hold it in place. It was a little lighter now, the bundle of gifts given. Still beneath his elbow he could feel the corner of the cologne, tucked neatly by his socks.

In the airport, at the terminal, Maggie finally spoken.

"You'll come home soon," she said and it wasn't a question or an order, just a fact. Benji smiled fondly and pulled her into a hug, clutching at her tightly.

"Of course. I'll be back by Easter," he promised into her hair, and sealed it with a kiss on the cheek. When he stepped back she was smiling tearfully but gladly. Then Millicent grabbed and hauled him in an embrace. He laughed and lifted her off the ground, shaking her a little.

"You'll call when you land? Or text at least?"

Benji put her down, "yeah." Millicent nodded stiffly, her expression that of someone determined not to cry. It reminded him of their dad a lot. "Okay, well, I'd... best be off then," he said gruffly.

"Good riddance," Millicent returned, crossing her arms as Maggie elbowed her scolding. Benji grinned at them, his family, and turned away with a heavy but more whole heart.

-

Returning to a home he hadn't felt at home in for weeks was hard to stomach, but stepping through the door Benji was filled with a sense of yearning. He had missed this place, whatever it was now. Even surrounded by the ghostly presence of Ethan it was comforting to feel it, instead of running away from it. 

He didn't unpack for several days, just spring cleaned the whole place (a few months early). It took almost a week because he was constantly held up; pausing at every piece of furniture, mug, nick-nack that reminded him of Ethan. Most of the time he just smiled sadly, some of the time he cried quietly and other times... other times he thought of the bright eyes between the pine trees and wondered. 

The following Monday he sat in his car in the underground parking lot, watching the dash clock. It was almost time to go back to work, three minutes to be exact. He had mulled over whether to ask for more time off- he knew he'd get it- but Benji knew had to get back to living. Still, here and now, his stomach churned queasily. He took deep breaths and watched the digital number flicker from '0857' to '0858'. 

Then knuckles rapt on his window and Benji jumped, clutching his chest and glaring at Luther beyond the glass. The man raised his eyebrows and Benji wound down the window.

You almost gave me a heart attack."

"U-huh, I'm not the one staring at nothin' in a carpark," Luther said. 

Benji blushed, "I was not- I was watching the clock." 

Luther hummed skeptically, then peered at Benji with deeply knowing eyes that he quickly looked away from. "You good, man?"

He had the resist the urge to laugh hysterically, smiling with tight lips instead. It became very hard to speak. 

"I'm, uh, y'know," he croaked, waving his hand vaguely at the ceiling above. "It's a little... It's a lot."

Luther nodded, casting his gaze down and then to the side. "Look, Benji, it's good you're even here. No one expects you to just waltz back in..." Benji swallowed, blinking hard. "I'll walk you up. C'mon."

Flooded with relief, Benji smiled at his friend thankfully. "Okay," he whispered and wiped his eye. Luther stepped back and waited for him to gather his things and lock up the car. They walked in silence to the elevators, waving their passes at the security scanner. Benji kept taking deep breaths as the elevator rose, the panic rising with it. But Luther standing next to him helped a lot. Luther always helped.

The doors opened and the lift was flooded with the noisy bustle of the headquarters. Benji froze watching people pass by and busily tap at computers until Luther touched his arm. He glanced at him and cleared his throat, bobbing his head. They stepped out, walking toward the conference rooms to meet Brandt, and people started to notice. He felt their eyes acutely, the sideways or overt looks. Benji gripping the strap of his bag, twisting the leather savagely. Luther's hard, challenging stares at anyone who passed would have made Benji laugh any other day.

Behind them someone called out. Benji's heart flipped in terror but it quickly became relief. Jane ran down the corridor toward then, hair flowing behind her and arms half outstretched.

"Benji!" she gushed as she reached them and didn't stop until she had him in a hug. Benji returned it gladly, thankfully for the familiar face. When she pulled away her brow was furrowed and eyes glassy, "I'm so... I was in the field when..."

"It's okay, I'm sorry you had to hear like that," Benji said, squeezing her hand. 

"Ilsa met me at the airport, I had to see him straight away. If there's anything... well, you know," she smiled so sadly and softly Benji wanted to breakdown right there but he could still feel the people watching so he inhaled deeply and smiled back.

"Thank you. Um, we've got to-" 

Jane's eyes widened and she let go of his hand, "oh, yeah, totally. I'll see you soon," she said and Benji knew she meant it.

-

The meeting with Brandt was short and stiff. He was an awkward guy and Benji was left tired from trying to navigate his terrible bedside manner. For the rest of the day he hid in the office room Brandt had said he could use for as long as he needed. Some people dropped by with apologies, with hugs and condolences and it just made him more and more tired. It was hard to deal with these people's apologies when they came from a place of guilt rather than sincerity- made to make themselves feel better rather than Benji. 

Eventually he caved and packed up his failed attempt at getting work done, leaving as quickly and as quietly as possible. His watch read 1 p.m. and Benji was proud of making it that long.

In the parking lot again he walked and texted Luther that he was leaving and everything was okay but he stopped by his car. His neck prickled and he turned around. 

Across the path Ilsa stood, elegantly shrouded in a long black coat with her hair tied back. Benji stared at her for a long minute, waiting. Finally she came to him and swept him up in a hug. Benji thought, as they embraced, he had never been hugged so much in life and he'd never been hugged by Ilsa Faust before. 

Her hug wasn't like Jane's which was back breaking and fueled with determined love. To Benji's surprise she hugged like she was holding a child, motherly and understanding. Benji wondered if she had ever been a mother.

"I don't know what to say," she said quietly when they broken apart, her hands lingering on his shoulders. Benji shook his head.

"You don't have to say anything."

"Is there anything I can do?"

Benji hesitated, remembering what Jane had said earlier. 

"Actually, yes."

-

The graveyard seemed to go on forever, pristine white stones in long rolling lines against browning grass. Ilsa drove them through the grounded and pulled over beneath leafless black trees. She cut the engine and Benji felt her watching him, but it wasn't with the air of birds of prey like in the office. He chewed his lip and watched a small group in the distance gather around a grave, one bending to lay a bouquet.

"I didn't bring flowers," he whispered. 

"He won't mind."

Benji knew she was right, knew that she knew he was stalling so he opened the door.

It was cold and he buttoned up his coat as Ilsa walked around the bonnet to join him. She silently hooked her arm through his and led the way. Just liked in the elevator, with each stone they passed Benji's heart pounded harder. 

Then they stopped in front of a grave and Ilsa slipped her arm free. Benji started at the carved stone at Ethan's name etched in white. He didn't feel much different now. All it did was make him think of Ethan and he was always doing that anyway. But the idea he was there, buried, made his throat tight. He wanted Ethan in his bed, half asleep and ignoring his alarm just to spend an extra minute with Benji under the covers. He wanted Ethan at work, looking at him across the conference table with a secretive smile on his face trying to make Benji laugh. He wanted... not this.

With a ragged breath he touched the cold stone and saw every touch he and Ethan ever shared all at once. The friendly pats, the awkward hugs, the suddenly desperate hugs and lingering touches. The first time they held hands, the first time they held each other when the slept. Ethan's fingers lingering on his when Benji passed him his first cup of coffee. Holding hands over dinner, holding hands under the table at work. 

But all Benji felt was cold hard stone.

"It was a beautiful service," Ilsa said beside him. Benji traced the lettering with the tips of his fingers.

"Isn't it always."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just needed benji interacting with his hunt-family, i love ilsa and jane so much! and luther, i adore him
> 
> the next chapter will be MUCH longer i promise


	3. Don't Be Scared, I Love You

He hadn't slept well since getting back. It was being in this bed by himself; Benji would wake up expecting him to be there and find himself alone among his pillows. Sometimes he would sleep of the sofa so he didn't have to feel just how big and empty that bed was. On the worse nights, he'd sit in the kitchen with a cup of tea and read until sunlight crept through the window. 

It was one of those nights.

Lustrum by Robert Harris was a very good book so it wasn't that difficult staying awake. And the tea helped. Ethan had forced him to buy the decaffeinated kind when he started staying over and witnessed Benji's awful sleeping schedule. But he had kept a stash of the real stuff under the sink. It was comfortable crutch; a warm, sweet drink in a solid novelty mug to hold between his hands.

As he turned the page he shivered, suddenly feeling a chill. He looked up from the chapter to the window behind him, shut and sealed. Sighing Benji wondered if he had left the bedroom one open and went to check but, as he passed through the living room, he felt a presence.

Careful not to react he continued into the bedroom and scrambled for the bedside draw, grabbing his side arm and creeping back to the doorway. At the frame he peered at the mirror on the wall and saw reflected a silhouette behind the sofa. 

He breathed carefully, calming his racing pulse and swung through the door gun raised. 

"Don't. Move," he said loudly. The figure froze, arms slightly raised. With bated breath Benji edged to the wall and hit the light switch, illuminating the trespasser.

But it wasn't a trespasser. It was a ghost. 

Benji wasn't sure what to do. They stared at each other from across the room. Benji realised his gun was still raised but he didn't feel inclined to lower it. He knew he must look ridiculous,- in stripey boxers, Christmas llama socks, and a Hard Rock Cafe tee- he'd probably laugh if the situation was different.

Ethan watched him calmly. He was tanned- more so than usual- but he looked bone tired. His hair was a little longer (Benji had asked him to grow it out because he liked it like that and Ethan had agreed as long as he kept his beard). He stepped further into the room and Benji automatically moved back.

"Benji..."

"Stay there. Please," he managed. 

Ethan raised his hand in a pacifying manner, "okay."

"Am I going crazy?" Benji croaked. He could feel the gun quaking in his hand.

"No, Benji, I'm really here," Ethan said. He looked close to tears and Benji couldn't understand why. 

"I thought you were-" he swallowed his sob. "-You let me think-"

"I know and I'm so sorry. It was the only way to keep you safe. I couldn't let them hurt you, Benji."

"You hurt me!" Benji cried. 

"I know..."

"No you don't!" 

"You're right, okay, let's just put the gun down and talk," Ethan said, pointing to the piece like Benji didn't know it was in his hand. Benji looked at it, at Ethan, then lowered it. Ethan relaxed a little and glanced around. 

Benji sniffed, "so what do you want to talk about?"

"Benji, c'mon," Ethan breathed. 

"Were you in Britain? In the market? Did I really see you that day?"

Ethan looked at the ground, hiding his face, "yes. I had to... I wanted to see you. I needed to, and I'm n-"

"Did you know?"

"What?"

Benji tapped the barrel of the gun against his thigh, glaring at the ground, "that night, did you know you were going to die- fake your death the next day?"

"No. No, I got the text that night, they said it was now or never. It was snap decision."

"You made me dinner," Benji said skeptically. "The way you kissed me..."

"That- that wasn't about that," Ethan muttered, suddenly looking antsy. 

Benji scoffed, "then what?"

"Benji," Ethan pleaded. 

"Tell me! I can't take any more lies and secrets, Ethan," Benji said. The handle of the gun pinched at his skin painfully. Ethan sighed, reaching into his back pocket, and pulled out a little black box.

"I was going to propose," he said, opening the box and showing Benji the thin silver band inside. "Timing, huh?"

The gun slipped from Benji's grip and clattered to the ground. 

"You were..."

"You're it for me, Benji, I decided that a long time ago. I'd do anything to keep you by my side and I'm sorry what I did hurt you, but I'll never apologise for keeping you alive and by my side. Never. And right now? I'm trying to keep us both safe." 

"What?"

"I did it, I got them. The whole house of cards is falling down, Benji, but there's one- Sven Quentillion, he took over from Solomon to try and rebuild the organisation. I stopped him but he knows about you and he's coming."

"Coming... Coming to kill me? People have tried before," Benji replied hotly, though he left out the part where Ethan had been the one to save him. 

"This man is dangerous, Benji, we have to go-"

Benji laughed in disbelief, "go where?" 

"I have a safe house," Ethan answered. "We're going and the imf are going to take care of this."

"Since when did Ethan Hunt ever run away from a fight?" 

"Since your life was threatened," Ethan said, his tone impatient and hands clasped pleadingly. "Since I fell in love with you and the idea of losing you is too horrible to contemplate. I need to keep you safe, Benji. If I lost you-" Ethan looked away, brow furrowed and Benji felt is facade crack. 

"And that's exactly how I felt," he replied coldly. Ethan's eyes widened and he opened his mouth to reply but stopped, dropping his head in defeat. Benji bent down and picked up the gun. "Fine. We'll go."

As Benji passed Ethan whispered, "thank you, Benji." He ignored it and went to the bathroom. 

Turning on the shower, he hunched over the sink body fighting between the need to throw up and sob. He glared into the drain and wonder when exactly his life became such a shit-show; probably from the moment he met Ethan Hunt. 

-

He moved quickly, taking a navy shower and finding his Go Bag in the bottom of his wardrobe. Ethan waited, perched on the arm of the sofa, the only sign of worry in his bouncing knee. Benji dressed in jeans, boots and an old jumper, unsure of what to expect- Ethan's idea of a safe house ranged from a squatters den to a five star hotel. He tucked his gun in the back of his jeans and pulled on his maroon jacket. 

"I'm ready," Benji said. Ethan nodded and took the bag from his grasp without asking, slinging it over his shoulder. 'Bloody white knight' Benji thought, but didn't want to give him the satisfaction of saying it out loud.

Seeing Ethan again... It was still sinking in. On a level, Benji had expected it- in his most indulgent moments of hope he thought this could happen. But rage still simmered inside him, rage he couldn't fully believe in because Ethan had done this for him and he loved him for it. Just seeing Ethan's skin, tanned and full of life and tangible got Benji's eyes welling with water. 

As they walked to the front door, Benji caught his hand. Ethan froze, looking back at Benji slightly afraid. He couldn't meet his eye so looked at where his hand clutched at Ethan's fingers; not a ghost. 

"Benji..." 

Unable to resist any longer Benji went to him, throwing his arms around Ethan's shoulders and hugging him. He felt like he'd been holding his breath since the day he saw the body- just waiting for this moment when he could finally breathe again, finally feel Ethan's heart beating against his chest.

Ethan's arms wrapped around his waist holding him as close as possible in an unrelenting grip. Benji realised this must feel the same way for him too. He could feel the man shaking against him.

"I missed you," Benji whispered, running his hand through Ethan's hair. Hair he never thought he'd get to touch again, skin he never thought he'd kiss.

"I'm so sorry," Ethan murmured back, voice breaking as he started to cry quietly. They stood melded together for just a few minutes (though they could have stayed there for hours) until Benji stepped back and let go of him. 

Ethan blinked hard, steeling himself and straightening his shoulders. He looked at Benji and nodded then led them to the door. 

It was silent in the corridor- not even the sound of the students gaming upstairs could be hear at this hour. Benji quietly shut the door behind him and dug for the key in his pocket. As he did Ethan looked up the corridor toward the lift, watching the light above it change. 

"Wait..." he said quietly. Benji paused with his key in the lock. 

"What?"

The elevator dinged and the doors opened. Two tall men in black walked into the corridor and Ethan tensed. When they saw each other, there was a moment of silence then the penny dropped and the men reached for concealed guns. Ethan launched himself at Benji, tackling them both back into the flat as guns started to fire. Glass shattered somewhere and Benji landed painfully on his arm.

"Up! Get up!" Ethan yelled over the noise and Benji scrambled to his feet, tugged along by Ethan. "The Window!"

As Ethan returned blind fire at the doorway, Benji shoved the window wide and launched his bag ahead of him before swinging out and dropped to the fire escape below. He waited for a moment to see Ethan following him before taking the steps three at a time to the drop-down ladder. 

On the pavement he gathered up his bag and ran for his car. 

"No, no- the Audi!" Ethan called as he ran, grabbing Benji's arm again and leading him to the black A5. Yelling echoed after them from the window and bullets pinged from the concrete behind them. Benji ran to the passenger door, sliding inside and sitting low in the chair as Ethan go it and started the engine. They tore away from the sidewalk, burning rubber. 

In the quiet of the car Benji gathered his breath, listening to Ethan's equally ragged ones. After a minute he sat up, easing the bag from his shoulders and tucking it into the foot-well. He winced at the sudden pain in his side and pressed a hand to the source, just below his ribs.

"I think we're okay, I can't see a tail," Ethan said, but he ignored him distracted by his palm stained red. 

"Ah."

"Jesus! Benji!" Ethan's voice was shrill as he reached over, roughly dragging Benji's shirt up to reveal the slowly bleeding gash on his side. 

"Goddammit!" Ethan cried, hitting the steering wheel with his palm. 

"I didn't notice," Benji murmured apologetically. 

"It's- it's okay, Benji, hold on."

Through the haze of pain Benji thought Ethan sounded scared, but he was too tired to tell, "okay." 

"Hey, stay awake," Ethan's hand shook his shoulder gently, coaxing him to sit up. "Stay awake, you hear me?"

"Yeah, Ethan," Benji sighed but his eyes were heavy. "D'you think I should take it?" The car turned sharply and Benji gapsed.

"W-what?" 

"Your last name," Benji rolled his head to look at Ethan, peering blearily at him. "Should I be Benji Hunt? Or Dunn-Hunt?" 

"I-I don't know, we can decide later, yeah? Benji? Benji!?"

-

With a start Benji opened his eyes, and grabbed at the person next to him. The wrenching pain in his side stopped him from sitting up and he blinked as he saw stars.

"-N't move around, Benji!" Ethan's voice cut through the pain and Benji realised it was his arm he was gripping. Everything came rushing back and Benji loosened his hold and laid back. He peered down and saw his bare chest, smeared with blood, and Ethan's hand clutching a needle which was threaded to his skin. He'd been shot.

"Oof," Benji breathed.

"It was a clean shot, no internal damage," Ethan explained as he returned to stitching Benji. With a whimpered Benji looked away as the needle pierced his skin, feeling sick. He didn't feel any pain, just the uncomfortable sensation of something being under his skin. Ethan must have given him something. 

Suddenly the room around them swayed and Benji's hand shot out, grabbing the small window sill over him. Small purple curtains fluttered over his knuckles and Benji looked around.

"Where are we?" Benji whispered, sick feeling swirling in his throat. It was a small square room, wood paneled and dim. Benji was on a very narrow cot across from closed doors, blinds draw down them. 

"On a train."

"A train.... going where?"

"Somewhere safe."

"Ah, more cryptic bullshit," Benji sighed, closing his eyes.

He heard Ethan sigh too, "I need to get you somewhere safe but on the move so I could fix you up. At the moment we're headed for Canada."

"Jesus Christ," Benji moaned. There was a tugging at his skin and then a snip and it was gone. 

"There's a place in Alaska, it'll be somewhere we can hide out until..." Ethan paused as he put away the tools into a small metal tin. "Well, until everything gets sorted out."

"So Brandt knew... Luther, Brandt, they knew."

"No, I told- I called them after you passed out. They've got leads on the men-" 

"I don't," Benji breathed hard. "I don't want to hear it, Ethan, not right now. Just... let me sleep."

"Benji..."

"Let me be angry," Benji pleaded. "Just for a little while, I need to be. Because I know you did this out of love but... I need to just be angry for... a little while."

"Okay, Benji," Ethan whispered, voice strained. He stood and tucked the box into his pocket. Benji curled sideways into the padded wall as much as he could without tugging at the cut too much. He closed his eyes and heard Ethan quietly leave, the sliding door clicking shut.

The man he loved and was going to marry was alive and Benji had never been so relieved. He squeezed his eyes closed, pressing his face into the pillow. He wasn't truly angry, but he was allowed to feel it just for a little while. He almost laughed when he realised he would have to tell his mum and sister Ethan was alive. What the hell would they think? Well, Millicent would just gush about Benji's life being like a cliche spy film. Maggie would definitely have a stern talk with Ethan but she would understand, they both would. that's why he loved them. He drifted off with the sway of the carriage.

Some time later Ethan returned, softly opening the doors and slipping inside. Benji turned his head at the smell of food and Ethan stood with a tray in his hand.

"I thought-"

"Thank you."

Ethan nodded, sitting in the seat at Benji's feet, "don't sit up too much." He warned as Benji leaned up, grimacing. The tug in his gut made him feel sick but he was starving and took the offered sandwich, half propped up on his elbow. Ethan watched him the entire time and Benji resolutely stared any where but at him. He managed to stomach the whole thing and Ethan sat forward, taking out some medication. 

"Take these. Here," he ordered, handing them over and then a little glass of water to wash it down. Benji took them eagerly with a big gulp of the liquid. "They'll knock you out pretty heavily, I'm sorry."

"It's okay, it's okay," he murmured unsure of who he was trying to reassure.

Benji laid back, letting his heavy eyelids fall closed again. The cup was slide free from his loose grip and replaced with shaky fingers curling around his own.

"My mum's going to beat you up by the way," he slurred.

He felt the tremor in Ethan's hand like he felt the stitches in his side- Ethan's fear was a part of him, threaded through his skin. He sighed and squeezed the hand, warm and alive. With him.

-

Benji jolted awake, temple bouncing against the window painfully. He winced and sat up, rubbing his eyes. The car bounced again and Benji groaned in frustration as it jostled the stitched up wound on his side.

"You doing okay?" Ethan asked from the drivers seat, brow furrowed in concern. 

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," Benji mumbles. "How far out are we?" 

"Ten minutes. It's getting pretty heavy now." Ethan answered. Benji peered out of the windscreen at the graying sky where snow tumbled down upon them. The sun was a foggy spot of pale light above the snow capped tree tops to their right. In his sleep their surroundings had become almost entirely blanketed in white, and a bone deep chill was setting in. Benji couldn't feel his toes in his boots but he wasn't sure if it was just the cold or the blood loss too.

He felt sluggish and desperate for more sleep but as his head lolled toward the window again, Ethan shook his shoulder gently. 

"Don't go to sleep. We're gonna have to walk the rest of it," Ethan said as he stopped the car.

"You're kidding," Benji groaned.

"I'm sorry, Benji. The storm's come in a lot faster than I thought," Ethan undid his seat belt and leaned over, lifting Benji's coat to look at the wound on his side. "Can you walk?"

"Mhmm," Benji closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He felt fingers prop the feverish skin. "I'll be fine, I'm just a bit dizzy."

Ethan looked pained.

"We'll take it slow." He said softly.

-

Even laden with their gear Ethan walked ahead of Benji, guiding them through the snow. The numbness had traveled to Benji's knees now and his vision was spotty but he kept trudging forward. How Ethan knew where they were going, Benji had no idea, but he followed him nonetheless. That was them in a nutshell; Benji would follow Ethan anywhere. 

He kept his eyes on the ground in front of him or on Ethan's back. But then his foot sunk into a ridge in his next step and he stumbled to his knees, catching himself with one hand. With the other he clutched his aching side, pressing on it hard and taking deep breaths. 

"Benji."

Ethan's boots appeared in front of him and Benji felt his hands take a firm grip of his shoulder. 

"I'm okay, I'm okay, just give me a second," Benji breathed, focusing on the cold burn of the snow under his palm.

"It's okay, Benji, we're here." 

He looked up and saw past Ethan's shoulder a small cabin, dusted in white and almost dream-like as if he'd stepped into a Christmas postcard. With a deep sigh he nodded and let Ethan help him stand. The rest of the walk Ethan stayed by his side, hand on his back.

The doorway was up three steps on a veranda. Ethan dropped the bags and shook his head free of snow. Benji leaned against the wall as he sort out the keypad behind a panel on the opposite side. He typed in a code, and pressed his thumb to the screen below which lit up blue. There was an audible click as the locks unlatched. 

Inside was a large dark room that smelt musty but it was a few degrees warmer than outside. As Benji walked in the lights flickered to life and something started to hum loudly- which he hoped was a generator. Ethan came in behind him and dumped the bags again, shoving the door closed.

"Take off your clothes," Ethan said as he shucked his own coat. Benji looked at him blearily. "Benji, take your clothes off they're soaked."

He moved slowly, feeling trapped in syrup, unzipping his jacket and pulling off his fleece. Ethan paused and abandoned his half undone shoelaces to help drag Benji's trousers down. 

Under any other circumstance Benji would've made some joke, but his whole body was shaking violently and he wanted to cry. Ethan was gentle but fast as he undid his boots and pulled them off Benji's feet along with his socks. The hardwood floor was cold under foot but better than his wet clothes.

"The cut wasn't too deep but with the excretion after the blood loss..." Ethan muttered quietly, more to himself than Benji.

Benji hugged his chest as Ethan stood back up feeling very vulnerable in a vest and boxers.

"Ethan..." he mumbled. Ethan ignored him, lifting the vest to look at the injury. Benji held back his whimper. 

"Okay, it hasn't opened up again. That's pretty lucky." 

"Ethan."

"There's gotta be some more first aid stuff here somewhere. We should find the security room, make sure the perm-"

"Ethan!" Benji said, voice raised a little. Ethan stopped and met Benji's eye. "We're safe. They're not going to find us here. Just, please... I'm cold, I'm tired."

Ethan seemed to come to a realisation and stood back, fingers lingering at Benji's side for a moment. "Yeah. Yeah okay, Benji."

He nodded and picked up a duffel, heading toward the corridor where he hoped he'd find a bedroom. There was one behind the second door, small and half taken up by a double bed. Curtains were drawn over the small window above the bed and the only light was from the lamp by the bed. He opened the bag on the bed and pulled out a fresh set of tracksuit bottoms and a jumper. As Benji changed he wondered if he sounded harsh in there, he knew Ethan was just trying to keep them safe but he'd lost his last bit of patience in the two feet of snow outside.

He slide under the covers, and curled up on his side. In the silence he could hear his teeth chattering.

After a few minutes, Benji felt himself thawing a little. But still he shivered and shivered and sleep wouldn't come, the new degree of warmth awakening the pain in his side. He pressed his face into the pillow groaning in tearful frustration.

There was a knock at the door, which creaked open.

"Benji?"

Ethan stood in the doorway looking sheepish, dressed in matching sweats and a black hoodie. His damp hair was pushed back and he looked pale in the weak light.

"I'm sorry," Benji whispered to him over the edge of the blanket. Ethan came in and around the bed, leaning over to press the back of his hand against Benji's forehead. Benji closed his eyes and leaned into the sensation.

"You might be getting a cold," Ethan said quietly. He turned his hand and ran his palm over Benji's skin into his hair, brushing his fringe back.

"I'm... bloody freezing, mate," Benji admitted. Ethan smiled and his gaze traveled across Benji's face like he was trying to memorise him. He'd missed that look, the way Ethan's face could soften like that just for him. Then he lifted the blanket. "W-what are you doing?"

"There's one bedroom, Benji. You're cold, I'm cold," Ethan paused. "If this is... okay?"

Benji sighed, knowing there was no point pretending he didn't want Ethan near him right now. He wanted to tell Ethan he was still mad at him or something but he wasn't- he was just tired and needed him close.

"Yes, come on."

Ethan lifted the covers and slide to Benji's side where he wrapped his arms around Benji's shoulders.

"Jesus Christ you're warm," Benji gasped. 

Ethan huffed, "I've always run a little hot." 

"Nevermind hot you're a bloody furnace," Benji groaned, pressing closer and snaking his arm around Ethan's waist. He tucked his head against Ethan's chest. 

"I am sorry, Benji," Ethan muttered, slipping his hand into Benji's hair and pushing his head under his chin. With a sigh Benji closed his eyes and relished in the familiar warmth of Ethan's skin.

"It'll be okay, Ethan. Let's just... sleep." Benji breathed. 

"Okay," Ethan said, lips moving against his temple and making his skin tingle. Benji swallowed and tightened his grip in Ethan's hoodie, clinging to him. He wanted to tell him he loved him over and over until he lost his voice but instead he drifted off listening to Ethan's heartbeat and wondering if the man knew just how much Benji missed him. 

-

When Benji woke he immediately knew he wanted to be asleep again. His whole head felt stuffed with cotton balls and his mouth was sandpaper dry. 

With a groan he shifted but froze when he felt something near him. It took him a moment to remember where he was, then he opened his eyes and saw Ethan's softly sleeping face. He saw the shadow of the pale corpse laid upon a metal table but shook the image away. 

In the throws of sleep they'd moved and Benji was sprawled over Ethan, leg thrown over his hip and arm circling his chest. Ethan hand was still caressing Benji's head, the other under his pillow. His hair had dried and was a fluffy mess that Benji wanted to run his fingers through. It made Benji's heart ache to feel him again and to see him so peaceful, lips parted as he breathed deeply. He reached up and touched the bow of his lip, warm and soft, his breaths ghosting his finger tips. 

He tried to move without disturbing Ethan but as he untangled his leg it pulled at his stitches. He winced and Ethan tensed, eyelids fluttering open. 

"Benji?" 

"Sorry I was trying not to wake you, ah," Benji said, pressing his palm to his stitches which were warm and wet. His hand came away bloody and Ethan sat up. 

-

They found the first aid kit in the bathroom and Benji sat topless on the toilet as Ethan emptied it into the sink and rooted around for antiseptic and bandages. Benji watched him curiously, the way his fringe hung across his forehead that furrowed deeply. He had the face of concentration Benji had seen him wear many time on missions.

"Is this place ever going to get any warmer?" Benji asked. 

"It's an old safe-house, I'll take a look at the generator," Ethan answered quietly. 

"That's not what I..." Benji murmured but trailed off. He could sense Ethan's mood was strained, the way he moved sharp and hurried. Benji felt irritated; surely he should be the one who was angry?

Ethan sat next to him and pressed a wipe to the cut, making Benji wince. He wiped away the blood and started probing the wound, checking the stitches. They'd been done in a hurry but Ethan's handiwork was very good. 

"Looks okay. Just be careful," Ethan finally said. 

"Okay," Benji replied, reaching for his jumper. But Ethan touched his leg and stopped his knee from bouncing. Benji looked up and saw the worry still in Ethan's eyes.

"Benji, I'm sorry. I did all this... to stop you getting hurt and I failed," Ethan said quietly.

Benji swallowed, tugging at the loose thread in the jumper on his lap, "You didn't, Ethan, I'm still here."

"All I do is hurt you," Ethan whispered. "All these mistakes I keep making, keep getting you hurt." 

Benji watched him stand in disbelief, irritation morphing into something else entirely.

"Mistakes? Ethan, you don't regret it." 

Ethan stopped at the sink, leaning against the porcelain with both hands and glaring into it, "I had to do it." Benji stood, ignoring the way his vision blurred for a moment.

"I'm not a child, Ethan, I'm not just an analyst. You made this choice for both of us and it wasn't yours to make!"

Then Ethan rounded on him. "I just want you safe!" 

"You let me think you died, Ethan. I was so alone," Benji repeated forcefully. "I'd rather be in danger by your side than safe and without you. The choice you made... You still think like it's you against the world but I'm here. It's my job too."

"You're not me, Benji." Ethan retorted, and Benji took a step back in surprise. He saw the regret on Ethan's face but the words had been said nonetheless. 

"I'm not as good of an agent than you, you mean."

"No, Ben-"

"I don't want to hear it, Ethan. I may not be as experienced field agent as you but, I thought we'd got past this, it is my choice and my life. It was supposed to be 'our life'," Benji heard his voice break. "I'd take that bullet again in a heart beat."

He hesitate, taking in the shocked look on Ethan's face- that was a rare sight- but quickly decided to storm out before he said anything more. Tugging on his jumper he went to the front door and stepped outside. 

The chill immediate had his teeth chattering but it was better than stewing in that atmosphere. It was unbelievable. Ethan would so easily sacrifice himself for others but couldn't see someone else making the same efforts for him. Benji knew he would have done the same thing in Ethan's place to keep him safe but he needed Ethan to see they were a team. 

He wasn't angry for what he did anymore, Ethan was alive. That was what Benji cared about most. 

He took a deep breath of the cold air, watching the snow fall. They seemed to be utterly alone of this mountain side, though Benji knew civilisation was just a few miles south of here. It was oddly peaceful, surrounded and hidden by whiteness.

Through the window Benji caught sight of Ethan going to the kitchen. He was so in love with this man and now they were trapped on this mountain together for the next week, untli the weather turned. The need to yell had dissipated and Benji sighed, resigning himself to going back inside.

The building was open plan- the kitchen separated by an island, and living room cornered off by a sofa that faced two large windows. If there wasn't just snow outside the view would probably be quite beautiful. There was a television hung above the fireplace and Benji hoped there was fuel somewhere for it.

But this meant Ethan had nowhere to hide when Benji came in. He stood on the doormat briefly, hugging his chest again, and watched Ethan set up the coffee machine. Benji tapped his cold toes on the floor then walked over and opened a cupboard nearby, looking for mugs. He found them in the second one and moved next to Ethan, gently putting them in front of the machine. 

They stood there in silence as the machine hummed. 

"I just," Ethan blurted, then sighed. 

"Take your time," Benji mumbled and they both chuckled. Ethan turned to him, smiling a little.

"Benji, I never want to see you hurt. It's hard for me," Ethan said quietly. "But I know it should've been your choice too. When I had to decided, in that moment, all I could do was think 'it's me dying or him'. But it's not like with Julia... you're a part of this world too and I should've.... I'm just sorry. I wish I could've done this differently. But I'm glad your alive, you can hate me, hit me, never talk to me again. Just as long as you're alive."

"And you don't have to be a bloody hero all the time, Ethan," Benji replied fondly. Ethan's smile seemed a little sad. With his heart in his throat, Benji slide his hand across the counter and covered Ethan's with it. "I'm always going to be here. For you. Always. I love you more than anything, I love your hero complex and your terrible coffee. You just need to remember we're a team."

"You're right. I can't keep making... I'll never do anything like that again. I promise." As he spoke Ethan shifted closer, bringing his free hand to Benji's chest. Benji wondered if he could feel his racing heart beat. "Can you forgive me?"

"I forgave you the moment I saw you," he whispered. 

Then they kissed and the sadness disappeared all together. He sighed against Ethan's lips and clutched at his jaw, trying to find something to ground him. Ethan tilted his head and his tongue pushed gently at Benji's lips, asking for permission. Benji couldn't help whimpering and giving in in a second and kissing him back hard. 

They broke apart gasping for breath but Benji couldn't bring himself to move away, lips brushing against Ethans. He ran his fingers through Ethan's hair as he caught his breath. 

"Wow," Benji managed and Ethan chuckled. "I mean... Wow." It'd been too long, Benji realised, since he'd kissed those lips. He hadn't realised how much he had missed kissing them until now. How good it was. 

"Yeah," Ethan sighed, dipping back in and kissing Benji softly. It felt incredible, feeling Ethan lick into his mouth so loving and as if Benji was all that was on his mind. Then Benji leaned up to throw an arm around Ethan's shoulders but winced. Ethan immediately moved back.

"It's fine, it's- I got a little too enthusiastic." Benji said trying to tug Ethan back in by his hips, but Ethan leaned back and kept Benji back with his hands on his shoulders.

"Maybe we should stop before we get... anymore enthusiastic," Ethan said, face schooled into something neutral. Benji frowned and ran his fingers across Ethan's hips, feeling the solid muscle and bone that led to the soft planes of his ass.

"Benji," his tone was warning now but playful. Benji didn't hear that tone often but when he did, he loved to her his name uttered with it. He squeezed, bringing Ethan's hips up against his and they both groaned as their cocks slide together. Ethan brought his hands up from Benji's shoulders to his neck, dragging him in to kiss him again.

Benji turned Ethan toward the counter as he ducked to bite at his neck. He felt the vibration of Ethan's moan and all the blood in his body started moving in one direction. As he bite down to Ethan's collarbone he grabbed his thighs and lifted him back onto the counter top. Ethan made a noise of surprise then laughed; "Benji," before dragging him back up to kiss him.

Ethan's kisses were a show, a message to Benji like he was trying to tell him everything he wanted to do to him with his tongue. Benji suddenly felt self-conscious. Ethan must have felt his hesitation because he moved back.

"Talk to me, Benji." He murmured. 

"I have- I just, It's, um, been a while. I missed you an... and I want it to be good," Benji cringed. But then Ethan took Benji's chin in his hand and lifted him gently to meet his eye. 

He was beautiful, lips swollen and eyes bright.

"There's no expectations, Benji. I've missed you. So much. Just having you here again-," Ethan spread his thighs wider and hooking his calf around Benji's thigh to pull him in, "-is a dream come true."

"Ethan, Jesus." Benji croaked but he couldn't help pressing closer, half-hard and breathless. His side was throbbing but he didn't want to move from here, wrapped up with Ethan. He kissed him again, eyes half-open to watch his reaction but when Ethan licked into his mouth he couldn't stop them fluttering closed. When they finally sighed apart Ethan rested his forehead against Benji's.

"Benji you need to know-"

"You're not gay?" Benji interjected and they laughed. 

"Just listened. You have to know you're a better agent than I ever was. Maybe you can't fight as well as me but in every other way, the ways that really matter, you are. This whole thing was about me losing my best friend, the man I love, not about how good of an agent you are."

"You," Benji sighed. "I love you. You're the best there is, Ethan, and I'm lucky to have a top imf agent, best friend and boyfriend all rolled into one."

"I love you too," Ethan whispered against his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was the hardest one to write, so much angst! (but i really like writing angst...) but i had to give it a happy ending cos everything else in my life is too sad so i!! need!! fluff!!
> 
> i hope you enjoyed, and thank you for your patience.... x


	4. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so YES i could resist writing a sex-ilogue okay!!! sue me!
> 
> yes this is nsfw and it has no impact on the plot so you can skip if u dont want to read it (it's in 2 sections and the second part is not nsfw)! x

EPILOGUE 1

They kissed again, Benji tasting Ethan as deeply as he could. When Ethan's hand slipped beneath his top and brushed against his waistband, Benji shivered. 

"Benji," he gasped, lips brushing Benji's cheek and hands slipping past Benji's the elastic. "I want you to fuck me."

Benji could hardly react as Ethan kissed him, tongue sliding over his as his fingers wrapped around his cock. He inhaled sharply and grabbed Ethan's biceps, holding him still so his brain could catch up. Ethan waited, lips an inch away and gaze turned up to look at Benji. Again, Benji thought how beautiful he was, how desperate and undone he was. 

"Okay," Benji breathed, mind clear, "yeah, okay." 

He kissed Ethan slowly, deliberately, thrusting into Ethan's loose grip. He could feel what Ethan needed, he could see the desire in him that he hadn't expected. He didn't realise until a moment earlier he could give it to Ethan. He'd never been confident at this sort of thing but Ethan made him feel like he was.

Ethan sighed, almost in relief, as Benji took control of the kiss. 

"Put your arms around my neck," Benji murmured and Ethan threw them around his neck. It sent a rush through Benji, how easily Ethan did it. Focusing, Benji tucked his hands under Ethan's thighs and lifted him. He carried them to the bedroom, Ethan's ankles crossed tightly behind him and kissing his neck the whole way. At the foot of the bed, Benji knelt and laid Ethan out. He looked at Benji, mouth parted, in rapture. 

Benji held his gaze and he undressed him- pulling away his sweats and underwear together, sending a shiver through Ethan, then unzipping his hoodie. 

As new skin appeared Benji ran his tongue across it. At his navel, Benji bit the soft skin of his belly, watching Ethan look at him beneath hooded gaze. 

Paying no mind to where his path should lead, Benji sat back up and pulled the hoodie free from beneath him.

Entirely exposed, Ethan was still a masterpiece and Benji took a moment to look at him as if it'd be years since he last had. Confident as ever Ethan lay and waited, chest rising and falling, arms spread over his head. Still clothed, that glimmer of fear started in Benji. Then Ethan reached up, hand beckoning.

"Come here," he said and Benji leaned down, hands either side of him. Ethan kissed him another slow, burning probe. "C'mon, Benji, show me what I know you can do."

Benji swallowed, "where's the lube?"

"The duffel."

Ethan grinned triumphantly as Benji moved off the bed and reached into the side pocket of the bag where it sat. He lay it on the bed then undressed, trying not to think about it too hard. Ethan watched him, eyes wide, as he shucked his jumper. As Benji went to pull down his joggers when Ethan sat up-

"Wait, let me," He said in a rush. He slide to the edge of the bed and took the hem of Benji's trousers himself, gazing up at him. "Can I?"

"Y-Yes," Benji murmured.

Ethan slide the material away gently, lovingly, looking at Benji the whole time. Benji's breath stuttered as he felt the cold but just as quickly Ethan took him into his mouth, a glorious sensation of wet heat. He lost himself in the sensation, hips hitching under Ethan's steady hand but he quickly push him off.

"This is not going to last as long as I'd like if you keep doing that," Benji croaked and Ethan smiled with an obscenely shiny mouth. 

"Okay, Benji." He kissed Benji's hip, then his stomach and ribs, before moving back.

They clambered back on the bed together, Benji between Ethan's legs. He shifted onto his knees as he kissed Ethan, lifting his hips onto them. The sensation of fear was replaced with anticipation as Benji opened the lube. Ethan licked his lips as he watched Benji shifted between his legs. Benji kissed his knee as he pushed the first wet finger inside and Ethan made an obscene noise that made Benji groan.

He leaned over Ethan a little more as he thrust it all the way in, watching Ethan's face contort in pleasure and pain. It was gorgeous to watch, as he worked him open, the way Ethan's blush spread down his neck and his breath become a pant. 

"Jesus, Ethan, you're beautiful," Benji gasped.

As Benji slide the third finger in, Ethan threw his head back and twisted his fingers into the sheets. Benji was mesmerised by the sight of Ethan so undone, in a way he'd never seen before. And it was because of him. The man was the picture of stoicism, always in control but here he was incoherent and moaning with every stretch of Benji's fingers. 

"I'm ready, Benji, I need you. Please," Ethan pleaded and that was all Benji needed to hear. He pulled away his fingers and dragged Ethan forward, hoisting his legs up. He strokes his lubed fingers over himself before lining up behind Ethan. Ethan wrapped his hand around Benji's arm as he pushed in and Benji fought the need to close his eyes just to watch Ethan. His eyelids fluttered closed and mouth growing from 'o' to a open mouthed smile.

Benji had never seen someone look so joyous being fucked into. He pushed in inches at a time until Ethan hitched his hips impatiently, and glided in the rest of the way. 

They both groaned and Benji fell forward, bracing himself on trembling arms. Ethan looped an arm over Benji's shoulder to lift up slightly and press their foreheads together.

"God I've missed you," He murmured and kissed Benji's jaw. Benji hummed, turning his face into the kiss and bringing it to his lips. As they did Benji moved slowly, in shallow thrusts that grew deeper. Ethan's grip on his tightened and his kisses became wetter and soon they were just breathing each others air and listening to the wet pound of their bodies coming together.

To Benji's delight Ethan made small, sweet noises with every touch, clinging to Benji. The heat curled low in Benji's belly and he squeezed his eyes closed, desperate for it to last. Ethan met his every thrust hard until his spine curved, and his heels dug into Benji's back. He moaned and hid his face in Benji's neck. Then he was coming, wanton noise muffled against his skin. Benji could hardly move, utterly wrapped up in being surrounded by Ethan in every sense. 

But Ethan found his words and whispered, "come for me, Benji." All it took was another few stuttering thrusts before Benji gasped and came hotly. He whimpered, holding onto Ethan's hips as he road the waves of pleasure. He felt Ethan's hands run through his hair and across his jaw, and then Ethan kissing his chin.

When he came down he opened his eyes and looked at Ethan's beautifully flushed face. He smiled and then chuckled, suddenly realising how lucky he was.

"What?" Ethan asked, smiling too.

"Just... I missed you too," Benji sighed and kissed Ethan softly.

EPILOGUE 2

Spring was always the best season to wake up early in to Benji. There was still a chill in the air but light was warm and bright and soothed cold limbs. He rolled over, bones protesting tiredly and reached blindly across the bed. He found feverish skin and ran his fingers down it.

"You're awake," Ethan said, voice rough with sleep. Benji opened a bleary eye and looked at his partner, sat up in bed reading a newspaper of all things.

"I thought print was dead," Benji croaked, shuffling across the mattress and pressing his face into Ethan's side. He felt Ethan laugh a little and then a hand settle on his shoulder.

"I like a good newspaper on a Sunday, call me old fashioned."

"I'll just call you old," Benji said and grinned against Ethan's skin when he felt him pinch his arm. Eventually his arm started to go dead and he rolled over, propping his head up on Ethan's lap. Ethan adjusted his paper and kept reading, resettling his hand on Benji's cheek. "Let's just stay in bed today."

"Hm?"

"It's Sunday, let's just stay here and you can read your papers and I can read the news on my laptop like a normal human being."

Ethan finally looked away from his paper and smiled with amusement down at Benji. Smiles like that reminded Benji just how much he loved him. Just how lucky he was to have him in his life. It had been months since Ethan had come back and Benji knew Ethan still felt guilty but they were in a good place, better and stronger than before.

"So we abandon your sister and mother at the airport?"

Benji shrugged and Ethan shook his head, laughing.

"They'll find their way, they're scrappy. Also don't ever call my mum 'mother' to her face, she'll go bonkers. You call her 'mum'- well 'mom'- or 'Maggie'."

Ethan stroked his thumb over Benji's cheekbone, "okay, Benji."

Eventually they get out of bed, to Benji's disappointment but that quickly became eagerness as they got ready to meet his family from their flight. He was nervous and excited for his two families to come together finally. He could tell Ethan was too by the way he kept fretting over his hair and his clothes. It was adorable to watch.

Benji stood in the bathroom door and waited while Ethan messed with his fringe some more until he saw Benji in the mirror. He dropped his hands and smiled at Benji sheepishly.

"They're going to love you, y'know. You're too damn charming not to like," Benji said.

"You're sister said she was still considering punching me."

Benji went and wrapped his arms around Ethan's waist, hooking his chin over him shoulder.

"Oh, that's definitely a possibility but it comes from a place of love I swear."

Ethan gave him a withering look, "you say all the right things."

"I know. It's why you love me," Benji replied brightly and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "Come on or we'll be late." He made to leave but Ethan caught his hand.

"I do love you, Benji, more than anything," Ethan said, smiling beautifully. He'd heard it a thousand times but it still made Benji blush.

"I love you too..." Benji kissed his knuckles and let go, walking away. "Now come on or I'm leaving without you and Millie will definitely beat you up!"

Ethan smiled after him, heart fluttering with happiness. But before he followed Benji he reached into his pocket and pulled out the box he'd been carrying around for months now. Sat inside, as always, was the silvery band. It shone in the bathroom light, the subtle diamond jeweling glinting at Ethan. Maggie had told him he could only propose officially when they were there, and now it was finally happening Ethan felt like he was walking on air.

He snapped the lid closed when he heard Benji call his name again and hid it away in his jacket. He check his hair in the mirror one more time before chasing after the love of his life- soon to be fiance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy endings after a lot of angst is great and what they deserve

**Author's Note:**

> i was compelled to write some angst and pain, im sorry! 
> 
> find me at http://noaminagata.tumblr.com/ to yell about these boys!


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